"Empty Rooms"

"I just called to see if you're loving anybody today.  If you're not loving somebody, you're wasting your time.  These are my words of wisdom, from this side of eighty." -Paul, on an answering machine (pg.153)

Ray, R. E. (2008). Endnotes. New York: Columbia University Press.

Direction...

It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "home" is.  You know that a place that feels like being found exists.  And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it. 
-Erika Harris

Welcome to Michigan = Welcome Home

During my first year of my Ohio tenure, the Welcome to Michigan sign went from this

To this

While most probably don't even notice since its not that big of a deal, it definitely made my heart sad.  Don't get me wrong - I LOVE the Pure Michigan marketing campaign.  Its amazing, and if memory serves me correctly, its one of the top ten advertising campaigns of all time.  But this new sign just doesn't have the personality that the old sign did.

I'm sidetracking from the point of this post.

I drove home yesterday for the first time since the school year began.  From my previous posts, its been obvious that I've been struggling with quite a few things the past few weeks.  Which sets me up for what happened during this drive.

I was a little over two hours into my drive - had already gotten off of 75 and back on to 23 to cross over and continue my trek north.

I was in the left lane, behind a vehicle when I looked down quickly at something in my car and then back up.

When I looked up, the SUV that had been blocking my view somewhat had moved over into the right lane.  There it was - the Welcome to Pure Michigan sign.  Within a split second, and with no personal control, an uninhibited, absolutely pure and unadulterated smile consumed my face and my spirit. I was so excited to see this landmark and to cross over into home territory.  After a few seconds, I realized what had just happened.  My whole being and affect flipped like a switch at that first sight of this simple landmarker.

When the realization hit me - I burst into tears.  

I don't want to be unhappy in Ohio.  I want to be okay wherever I am.  And I feel like I should be able to be.  But I'm not.  And I'm not sure how to change it.  But, I do know one thing.  Michigan makes me happy.  And there is nothing like being home and with my family.

I crossed the border with an amazing mix from my dear friend CfH - and with the windows down, the smell of burning Michigan leaves, and the fresh Michigan air in my face and through my hair - I was consumed by my emotions and Nickel Creek's "Jealous of the Moon".

Some Pants Will Never Fit

A wise boy/man told me that I am so happy when I'm home in Michigan and so miserable when I'm here, at school.  And that I was never going to be able to be happy until I stopped seeing myself as living two separate and distinct lives.  He said I needed to make them overlap if I ever wanted to feel okay in Ohio.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit.  I even mulled my 2 year perpetual unhappiness in Ohio situation over with a friend who is a little bit older and who started this program with me - only to leave it after 1 term.

Is this wise boy/man more than likely pretty observant and correct about my situation?  Of course.  Are there some extenuating circumstances that cause me to be continually unhappy here? Most definitely.

It all started when, at visitation - before I even started school here, when a faculty member told me that if I wanted to do that kind of research and those were my academic interests, I shouldn't come to school here.  Of course, I ignored him and came anyway.  And I didn't really have any other options.

Came to OSU, met my new cohort, and didn't click with anyone.  No one had any similar interests that I could really see and there was an unspoken competitiveness within our cohort.  Not to mention there was a very clear delineation of the "in" people and the "out" people.  I somehow made it on the "in" list, but didn't really feel like I wanted to be "in" with those people.  

Another impediment to my happiness was my Master's thesis and all of the ensuing bullshit that hung over my head my entire first quarter here.

Then my grandmother died.

Now - thats not to say that those things weren't resolved.
   -I finished my thesis and graduated in December from CMU
   -There was a certain amount of relief that came with the passing of my gramma
   -I met one of my best friends, CB, and I am so thankful for her friendship
   -I've come to terms with the fact that I do not fit in this department and I am making my education work to fit me instead [not to mention I feel somewhat responsible for a drastic shift in this department's outlook and have introduced a number of students to programs/course tracks offered outside of comm]

Fast forward to now and my reflections on this recently made commentary from said man/boy:
I've been struggling quite a bit with being in Ohio the past 3 weeks.  Its probably the worst its ever been. Again, there are some pretty logical explanations for this.
   -My sister just had her first baby and it has been torture not being around for the first month of her life
   -I am entering the third year of my PhD program - arguably the hardest year of a doctorate degree - I am taking my candidacy exams in 4 months. Scary. Shit.    Doable - yes. Still scary - yes.
   -This summer was hectic, stressful, and I never had any rest - I was exhausted before the new school year even began.


But I think what has been the biggest component of my unhappiness here is one simple thing:
I feel like a fish out of water in Columbus.  I've never felt like I've belonged here. This is the beginning of my third year here and I still just don't feel comfortable in this city.  And maybe that is it - this city is too big for me.  Or maybe its just that I don't fit in with the culture here.

Either way - I'm a square peg in a round hole.

Or maybe I'm just a square.

RBL

Obviously - life is full of difficult choices. Some choices you make because they're the easiest of the alternatives.  Some choices you make because all of the alternatives seem equally pleasant or unpleasant and you have to choose one.  And some choices you make because, even though its the hardest of all choices, you know it is the right thing to do.  Even if it means you have to hurt yourself and people you deeply care about in the process.

I made a choice a few days ago.  And even though I have been struggling with the overwhelming doubt and guilt that has been plaguing me - I know I did the right thing. [and when I say I know I did the right thing - I don't really mean that I know that.  I've had to have a countless number of talks with multiple people, me sobbing, to reassure me that it would have been much easier to let this go on longer and ultimately make the situation miserable, unfair, and that much harder when it came down to this same outcome].

I feel so broken right now. And this pain is magnified knowing I caused someone else, whom I so deeply care about, to be in pain.

I still feel like this may have been premature to choose this right now, but I know it would have been 10 times worse had I dragged this out and waited a few more months.  What I know of the complicated feelings, difficulty, and resentment that come with dragging things out [and the fact that it took me 4 years to resolve these issues] I would never wish on someone, nor could I subject someone to that.  Especially someone who I enjoy, appreciate, and adore so much.


I hope, someday, he realizes that I did this mostly for him.

SatC

 “[a] 34-year-old guy with no money and no place to live, because he’s single, he’s a catch. But a 34-year-old woman with a job and a great home, because she’s single, is considered tragic.” 


-Miranda Hobbes, Sex and the City, Season 3, Episode 9

Insight over the Summer

Things have somehow changed in my mind over the summer - like, my brain is literally functioning differently.  It has been such a dramatic change its been easily recognizable for me.

I'm actually remembering things.

I used to have a phenomenal, almost photographic, memory. Then sophomore year of undergrad happened - and my mind hasn't been the same since.  I have struggled so much to remember things that I need to - authors names, what information came from which article - among other things much more important.  But things are changing  - I actually feel confident in a lot of the stuff I've been learning.

It really hit me when I was speaking with Dr. Richardson and she asked me what approach I thought I was taking.  Without missing a beat I told her I was approaching my dissertation with a constructivist lens but that I'd eventually become a critical research scholar.

I blew myself away.  I honestly couldn't believe I had remembered those things from Fall '10 term.  Not only am I really bad at answering things off the cuff, but this was OLD information for me to have remembered and used appropriately!

I also had a conversation with Bobby the other day where I made a somewhat insightful comment - something I hadn't even considered up until then.  A lot of the important stats stuff that I learned twice [once at CMU and then again here at OSU first year, on top of my scary regression class with Andrew Hayes] I can no longer remember, and I think I know why. I was dealing with so much my first year here that the information that I was taking in was not being stored for the long term.  I was still finishing my Master's thesis that fall term on top of juggling some heavy health issues.  And then my gramma died.  I became an orphaned grandchild that winter.  I had so much other stuff to attend to when I wasn't shoving methods, theory, and stats in my head that those things never had the chance to stick.

Unfortunately, that means I have some catching up to do on things I already learned.  But, thats okay.  I forgive myself for not storing everything the first time around.  Up until this past year, I was in water over my head.  But the floods have finally receded and I think I can see everything again.

It feels good to be back folks.  Real good.