Sunday, October 9, 2011

RBL

Obviously - life is full of difficult choices. Some choices you make because they're the easiest of the alternatives.  Some choices you make because all of the alternatives seem equally pleasant or unpleasant and you have to choose one.  And some choices you make because, even though its the hardest of all choices, you know it is the right thing to do.  Even if it means you have to hurt yourself and people you deeply care about in the process.

I made a choice a few days ago.  And even though I have been struggling with the overwhelming doubt and guilt that has been plaguing me - I know I did the right thing. [and when I say I know I did the right thing - I don't really mean that I know that.  I've had to have a countless number of talks with multiple people, me sobbing, to reassure me that it would have been much easier to let this go on longer and ultimately make the situation miserable, unfair, and that much harder when it came down to this same outcome].

I feel so broken right now. And this pain is magnified knowing I caused someone else, whom I so deeply care about, to be in pain.

I still feel like this may have been premature to choose this right now, but I know it would have been 10 times worse had I dragged this out and waited a few more months.  What I know of the complicated feelings, difficulty, and resentment that come with dragging things out [and the fact that it took me 4 years to resolve these issues] I would never wish on someone, nor could I subject someone to that.  Especially someone who I enjoy, appreciate, and adore so much.


I hope, someday, he realizes that I did this mostly for him.

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