Sunday, October 9, 2011

Some Pants Will Never Fit

A wise boy/man told me that I am so happy when I'm home in Michigan and so miserable when I'm here, at school.  And that I was never going to be able to be happy until I stopped seeing myself as living two separate and distinct lives.  He said I needed to make them overlap if I ever wanted to feel okay in Ohio.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit.  I even mulled my 2 year perpetual unhappiness in Ohio situation over with a friend who is a little bit older and who started this program with me - only to leave it after 1 term.

Is this wise boy/man more than likely pretty observant and correct about my situation?  Of course.  Are there some extenuating circumstances that cause me to be continually unhappy here? Most definitely.

It all started when, at visitation - before I even started school here, when a faculty member told me that if I wanted to do that kind of research and those were my academic interests, I shouldn't come to school here.  Of course, I ignored him and came anyway.  And I didn't really have any other options.

Came to OSU, met my new cohort, and didn't click with anyone.  No one had any similar interests that I could really see and there was an unspoken competitiveness within our cohort.  Not to mention there was a very clear delineation of the "in" people and the "out" people.  I somehow made it on the "in" list, but didn't really feel like I wanted to be "in" with those people.  

Another impediment to my happiness was my Master's thesis and all of the ensuing bullshit that hung over my head my entire first quarter here.

Then my grandmother died.

Now - thats not to say that those things weren't resolved.
   -I finished my thesis and graduated in December from CMU
   -There was a certain amount of relief that came with the passing of my gramma
   -I met one of my best friends, CB, and I am so thankful for her friendship
   -I've come to terms with the fact that I do not fit in this department and I am making my education work to fit me instead [not to mention I feel somewhat responsible for a drastic shift in this department's outlook and have introduced a number of students to programs/course tracks offered outside of comm]

Fast forward to now and my reflections on this recently made commentary from said man/boy:
I've been struggling quite a bit with being in Ohio the past 3 weeks.  Its probably the worst its ever been. Again, there are some pretty logical explanations for this.
   -My sister just had her first baby and it has been torture not being around for the first month of her life
   -I am entering the third year of my PhD program - arguably the hardest year of a doctorate degree - I am taking my candidacy exams in 4 months. Scary. Shit.    Doable - yes. Still scary - yes.
   -This summer was hectic, stressful, and I never had any rest - I was exhausted before the new school year even began.


But I think what has been the biggest component of my unhappiness here is one simple thing:
I feel like a fish out of water in Columbus.  I've never felt like I've belonged here. This is the beginning of my third year here and I still just don't feel comfortable in this city.  And maybe that is it - this city is too big for me.  Or maybe its just that I don't fit in with the culture here.

Either way - I'm a square peg in a round hole.















Or maybe I'm just a square.

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