Its Been a Long December...

Man oh man. What a crapshoot of a term Fall 2011 was.

I worked my butt off straight through summer, never had much of a break before Fall began.  I was exhausted when this term started.  And for the record, I didn't make it through unscathed.  This was one rough term for me.

Things started to go sour over the two week break I had between summer and fall terms.  My then-boyfriend made some off-color comments to me that really pissed me off.  Things stayed sour when I got back to school and within 3 weeks of being back, our relationship was over. His behavior since the breakup has been a roller-coaster for me and his immaturity has really taken its toll.  I have felt completely isolated in our department.  I tried to avoid social situations where he would be so it wouldn't be hard for him.  And in doing so, I have lost a friend or two.  Not to mention he couldn't be bothered to acknowledge my presence or not run and hide when he saw me at school.  So, yeah, he's been super awesome and helpful in the healing process of this whole mess.

On top of matters, my sister had her first baby less than a week before classes started again.  I've been home as much as possible to spend time with her, but its still difficult being away from home.  Molly is growing and changing so much I feel like she is a different person every time I see her.  So, while this has been a good life change, it is still a stressful one adding to the pile.

My comprehensive exams and dissertation have been a roller coaster as well.  My committee meeting kept getting pushed back until it was finally canceled altogether the first week of november.  To reschedule, I had to have my statement of purpose written, and during that week I was to be writing it, my advisor sent me an e-mail suggesting I look into a completely new direction for my dissertation. Well, needless to say, this paralyzed me since I had no idea what to make of this suggestion and it didn't help matters that we didn't meet again for almost a good month due to conferences and holidays.  So, over Thanksgiving break, I decided that since we hadn't had a committee meeting yet, I didn't have my reading lists from my committee members, and 4 weeks and Christmas break sounded like insufficient time to study for my comps, I didn't want to do them until the Spring term.  All of my committee members sounded pretty happy about this when I told them the news, and so I am happy too.  Now, I get to study for 10 weeks and do the readings that I want to do.  Unfortunately, during my last meeting with my advisor, some issues were raised and my dissertation focus is going to have to change.  I'm somewhat bummed since I've been so focused on this topic for at least a year now, but oh well I suppose.  Its one project.  A big project, but just one.  Things could be worse, I suppose.

This term was the first term without some of my really good friends here.  Christine and Whitney were my girls and they have both graduated and gone.  I am so thankful that Christine left me Lauren, because quite honestly, I'm not sure what I would have done without her here.  God has blessed me with such a good friend.  She is amazing and has been about the only support I've had in Columbus for a good two months.  Its been really hard having such huge life changes taking place and not having your support system available to you.  I've been struggling.  A lot.  I think I've remedied the situation though.  The past two weeks I've made my loneliness known to a few girls in my department and extended an offer to them to be friends.  They accepted my offer with open arms. :-)

I spent the majority of my time this term working on two research projects to get them ready to submit to ICA.  They got finished [for the most part] and submitted, but still don't know if either got accepted and I neglected my school work to do these things.

Classes weren't too bad, but neglecting to do the readings for the most part in all of my classes really had me behind for a while.  Not to mention, the advanced stats class I took with stats god, Andrew Hayes, was the first stats class I've taken in almost 2 years.  So, I was a little rusty in that area, obviously.  I was really stressed about my grades for a good portion of the last week and a half.  I had convinced myself that there was a good possibility that I might not even pass the stats class.  Thankfully, my worry was unfounded.  I passed all of my classes with flying colors.  In fact, they were so good I'm still in shock about my stats grade. :-)
To top off the good grades, I got amazing student reviews from my research methods labs.  So, that makes me feel wonderful.
I was also instructed to apply for a tenure track position at my Alma Mater by my professors from there.  Apparently the first time they wanted me to apply, they didn't understand what I meant when I said I had 2 years of school left.  Well, after the way this first term has gone, I'm applying.  I don't have to make any big decisions right now, but I'm applying.  Because if winter term is as miserable as fall term was, thanks to some really immature people in my department, and I am offered the job, I might just have to peace out of Ohio and head back North to make a big kid salary and finish my dissertation in the beauty of the Yoop.


I've had a rough term.  And when I say rough I don't mean its all been bad, its just that the stress load has taken its toll and my body is very unhappy with me.  I've learned a lot the past 3 months.  I've grown a lot as well.  I've learned that even if you try to keep things civil, people still take sides.  But thats just fine.  I know loss very well and even though it hurts for a while, everyone will move on and life will be okay without them.  I've started counseling and am working out some issues - some recent and some from my buried past that has resulted in some ptsd.  I'm going to keep working on it and keep working on me.  Because I will forever and always be a work in progress.

I've decided that even with all of the crying, this term is an overall win.  I'm still alive and I'm re-energizing to tackle my next big project: The Dreaded Comprehensive/Candidacy Exams.  So here is to a successful and prosperous 2012 with the ups and downs of life and the phd process.

:-)

Stop. Crying.

"Empty Rooms"

"I just called to see if you're loving anybody today.  If you're not loving somebody, you're wasting your time.  These are my words of wisdom, from this side of eighty." -Paul, on an answering machine (pg.153)

Ray, R. E. (2008). Endnotes. New York: Columbia University Press.

Direction...

It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "home" is.  You know that a place that feels like being found exists.  And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it. 
-Erika Harris

Welcome to Michigan = Welcome Home

During my first year of my Ohio tenure, the Welcome to Michigan sign went from this

To this

While most probably don't even notice since its not that big of a deal, it definitely made my heart sad.  Don't get me wrong - I LOVE the Pure Michigan marketing campaign.  Its amazing, and if memory serves me correctly, its one of the top ten advertising campaigns of all time.  But this new sign just doesn't have the personality that the old sign did.

I'm sidetracking from the point of this post.

I drove home yesterday for the first time since the school year began.  From my previous posts, its been obvious that I've been struggling with quite a few things the past few weeks.  Which sets me up for what happened during this drive.

I was a little over two hours into my drive - had already gotten off of 75 and back on to 23 to cross over and continue my trek north.

I was in the left lane, behind a vehicle when I looked down quickly at something in my car and then back up.

When I looked up, the SUV that had been blocking my view somewhat had moved over into the right lane.  There it was - the Welcome to Pure Michigan sign.  Within a split second, and with no personal control, an uninhibited, absolutely pure and unadulterated smile consumed my face and my spirit. I was so excited to see this landmark and to cross over into home territory.  After a few seconds, I realized what had just happened.  My whole being and affect flipped like a switch at that first sight of this simple landmarker.

When the realization hit me - I burst into tears.  

I don't want to be unhappy in Ohio.  I want to be okay wherever I am.  And I feel like I should be able to be.  But I'm not.  And I'm not sure how to change it.  But, I do know one thing.  Michigan makes me happy.  And there is nothing like being home and with my family.

I crossed the border with an amazing mix from my dear friend CfH - and with the windows down, the smell of burning Michigan leaves, and the fresh Michigan air in my face and through my hair - I was consumed by my emotions and Nickel Creek's "Jealous of the Moon".

Some Pants Will Never Fit

A wise boy/man told me that I am so happy when I'm home in Michigan and so miserable when I'm here, at school.  And that I was never going to be able to be happy until I stopped seeing myself as living two separate and distinct lives.  He said I needed to make them overlap if I ever wanted to feel okay in Ohio.

I've been thinking about this quite a bit.  I even mulled my 2 year perpetual unhappiness in Ohio situation over with a friend who is a little bit older and who started this program with me - only to leave it after 1 term.

Is this wise boy/man more than likely pretty observant and correct about my situation?  Of course.  Are there some extenuating circumstances that cause me to be continually unhappy here? Most definitely.

It all started when, at visitation - before I even started school here, when a faculty member told me that if I wanted to do that kind of research and those were my academic interests, I shouldn't come to school here.  Of course, I ignored him and came anyway.  And I didn't really have any other options.

Came to OSU, met my new cohort, and didn't click with anyone.  No one had any similar interests that I could really see and there was an unspoken competitiveness within our cohort.  Not to mention there was a very clear delineation of the "in" people and the "out" people.  I somehow made it on the "in" list, but didn't really feel like I wanted to be "in" with those people.  

Another impediment to my happiness was my Master's thesis and all of the ensuing bullshit that hung over my head my entire first quarter here.

Then my grandmother died.

Now - thats not to say that those things weren't resolved.
   -I finished my thesis and graduated in December from CMU
   -There was a certain amount of relief that came with the passing of my gramma
   -I met one of my best friends, CB, and I am so thankful for her friendship
   -I've come to terms with the fact that I do not fit in this department and I am making my education work to fit me instead [not to mention I feel somewhat responsible for a drastic shift in this department's outlook and have introduced a number of students to programs/course tracks offered outside of comm]

Fast forward to now and my reflections on this recently made commentary from said man/boy:
I've been struggling quite a bit with being in Ohio the past 3 weeks.  Its probably the worst its ever been. Again, there are some pretty logical explanations for this.
   -My sister just had her first baby and it has been torture not being around for the first month of her life
   -I am entering the third year of my PhD program - arguably the hardest year of a doctorate degree - I am taking my candidacy exams in 4 months. Scary. Shit.    Doable - yes. Still scary - yes.
   -This summer was hectic, stressful, and I never had any rest - I was exhausted before the new school year even began.


But I think what has been the biggest component of my unhappiness here is one simple thing:
I feel like a fish out of water in Columbus.  I've never felt like I've belonged here. This is the beginning of my third year here and I still just don't feel comfortable in this city.  And maybe that is it - this city is too big for me.  Or maybe its just that I don't fit in with the culture here.

Either way - I'm a square peg in a round hole.

Or maybe I'm just a square.

RBL

Obviously - life is full of difficult choices. Some choices you make because they're the easiest of the alternatives.  Some choices you make because all of the alternatives seem equally pleasant or unpleasant and you have to choose one.  And some choices you make because, even though its the hardest of all choices, you know it is the right thing to do.  Even if it means you have to hurt yourself and people you deeply care about in the process.

I made a choice a few days ago.  And even though I have been struggling with the overwhelming doubt and guilt that has been plaguing me - I know I did the right thing. [and when I say I know I did the right thing - I don't really mean that I know that.  I've had to have a countless number of talks with multiple people, me sobbing, to reassure me that it would have been much easier to let this go on longer and ultimately make the situation miserable, unfair, and that much harder when it came down to this same outcome].

I feel so broken right now. And this pain is magnified knowing I caused someone else, whom I so deeply care about, to be in pain.

I still feel like this may have been premature to choose this right now, but I know it would have been 10 times worse had I dragged this out and waited a few more months.  What I know of the complicated feelings, difficulty, and resentment that come with dragging things out [and the fact that it took me 4 years to resolve these issues] I would never wish on someone, nor could I subject someone to that.  Especially someone who I enjoy, appreciate, and adore so much.


I hope, someday, he realizes that I did this mostly for him.